• Jase Rival

How Does Mark Zuckerberg Eat His Pizza? Being Able To Say What You Want Online May Depend On It.


So I was brainstorming ideas for things to write about, things to blog about, how to express myself in regards to the events of the past seven days - a seven days which I saw my own Facebook account get "Zucked" ("Zucked" is the Facebook term for nuked for us repeat offenders who have been banned multiple times), my Podcast page get put on final warning despite being in the "green" status prior to posting about the events at the Capitol, the purge of Facebook accounts, the purge of Twitter accounts, the purge of the sitting President of the United States from all social media... and it occurred to me that for the sake of our continued existence we really need to know what this soulless lizard-man who runs Facebook actually puts on his pizza before eating it.


You see, it's important we know how exactly Mark Zuckerberg likes his pizza. Does he like pineapple on pizza? Anchovies? Is he a guy who eats the crust or leaves it on the plate? We must know. You see, I need to know if I say "anchovies taste like absolute shit," if I am going to wake up to find my account suspended. I need to know if I don't like pineapple on pizza, if PayPal will deny me access to its services, if my bank account will shut me out, if Spotify will kick our show off the airwaves, if I will be denied a home loan or a business loan, if I will be shunned all because Mark Zuckerberg likes it that way.


Confused about what this has to do with anything? It's simple.

Politics is kind of like pizza. Some people like pepperoni, some people (still weird to me) like pineapple. Just like some people lean to the left and some people lean to the right. The decision was made by Big Tech - by Mark Zuckerberg, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey, Susan Wojcicki (CEO of YouTube, who never gets brought up in this, probably because nobody wants to go through the trouble of remembering how to spell her stupid last name). Other people still might like stuffed crust - maybe stuffed crust can represent Libertarians like Ron Paul, who was also unceremoniously removed from Facebook, perhaps? And some people don't like pizza at all, or at least don't like the kitchen all this pizza is coming from; an argument has been made after all that perhaps the government is broken beyond repair, and we need to re-think our entire way of governance, possibly even to the point of secession or deconstruction of the Federal Government.


So please, Mark Zuckerberg, since you're trying to tell me what to think on a political level, dictating that only your personal perspective is correct - that of a billionaire that doesn't have to get up in the morning and work your ass off and hustle your ass off to make ends meet, that has to keep my fingers crossed my old-ass 1999 Ford Ranger wants to start every morning, that has to take care of a cancer-survivor Mom because I'm the only family she's got left - a guy who struggles, and who at the end of the day simply wants to make jokes, share memes, and spend my free time with my girlfriend, whom I want to marry one day and I'm not even sure how the hell I'm going to be able to afford a nice enough ring - since you can't relate, even remotely to me as a person - tell me what your perspective is from your walled fortress home in Hawaii, with huge eye-sore walls that your neighbors have complained about in public (while you condemn border walls when President Trump wants them). Yes, explain to me how I'm supposed to think because Daddy Zuck knows best, despite the fact he looks more and more like something from the movie adaptation of "I, Robot" every single year and are clearly losing your humanity with every poor soul you've banned from your platform, which is damn near essential for communication in the mainstream. Please, Mark Zuckerberg tell me how to live my life, when at the end of the day, despite the fact I make ends meet, despite the fact I hustle every day for what I get out of life, despite all of that, I'm likely still somehow more happy with my table scraps than you are with your full seven-course meal outta life where you get to use the seven different stupid-sized forks to eat dinner.


Mark Zuckerberg, you clearly want to tell me what I can and can't say, who I can and can't vote for. You believe your station in life, and my station in life in comparison to yours gives you that right. So please, while you're at it, tell me how I'm supposed to eat my Goddamn pizza. Because the bottom line, is it's not that far of a reach from trying to dictate what my political opinions are supposed to be. But for the record, I prefer extra cheese, pepperoni, bacon, and light on the sauce, or barring that, just a good ol' fashion New York style slice of pizza, which is probably the only redeeming thing left about my home town, since people like you went out of your way to ruin my home town, for people like me.


P.S. Get bent.


Sincerely,

A broke-ass Hispanic who really doesn't give a rat's ass about you or the Democrats.


-Jase